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Sat, Feb. 19th, 2005, 08:50 pm

The Lord of the Rings is on the way.

Thu, Feb. 17th, 2005, 09:38 am
Miss Saigon

I had the Miss Fortune of going to go see Miss Saigon last night, so I offer quick synopsis:

Boring Vietnam GI meets soon-to-be hooker, marries her. Leaves Vietnam in commotion without being able to take her. Marries again back in the US. Finds out soon-to-be hooker is still alive and has his child (from her upstart hooking career). GI tells wife. They go to Vietnam to find her. Pseudo-hooker offers child to father, kills herself, curtain.

Why this show took 2.5 hours is beyond me. But here's why it happened: every single song in the show is a cliched overemotional duet. To make such a simple story drag on so long you need to feature songs like:

"Walking down the street"
"I'm going to the bathroom, honey"
"Hold the child while I load my gun"
"I'm the token black guy!"
"No one cares about us [characters]"
"Andrew Lloyd Weber, you bastard."
"Why am I in this show?"

Just do the it-must-have-been-cool-in-the-80's helicopter part and let us go home.

Thu, Feb. 3rd, 2005, 06:36 pm
Vanessa Carlton and Time Warner

Vanessa Carlton is trying to sell me cable products.

I do think that I'm in Time Warner's target demographic... working male with disposable income and nothing better to do than watch TV.

Yet I have never heard of Vanessa Carlton outside the realm of Time Warner Cable.

If I was a teenage girl, having her plug a product marketed toward me might be the right thing to do. Sadly, they're missing the mark. (Get Paul Walker)

Now, onto another topic... pissing off the thousands of people named Vanessa.

I'm sorry, but I don't like your name. Why? Because the origin of the name is a little suspect. It was originally created as a convenient short-hand combination of the terms:

Nestle's Crunch
Barefoot Contessa

But when you put all that stuff together, it just ends up sounding disgusting. Vanessa. Ew.

Thu, Feb. 3rd, 2005, 10:16 am
Wheel Of Fortune Improvements

OK, so I know the obvious way to improve Wheel of Fortune is to just take it off the air. But since people insist on watching it, I have a few ideas.

The Wheel
A Wheel of Fortune shouldn't always have all good stuff on it. The only 2 "bad" things on the wheel right now are "Bankrupt" and "Lose a Turn."

But where are the really bad things? Like "Lose your parents' retirement funds" or "Solitary Confinement in Sing-Sing for 6 months" or "Have a Limb of Pat's Choice Amputated (NOW)"

Where there are rewards, there should be risks. That's all I'm sayin'

The Players
We've all seen it when they pop 2 people behind each players post -- best friends, siblings, parent and child. Where are the conjoined twins?

"Why don't you reach down with your good arm and pick up that 'free spin' card?"

Before and After
After about 10 episodes, they ran out of normal phrases like "Time Heals All Wounds" "Behold the power of soup." So then they came up with clever puzzle types like "Before and After" e.g. "Stitch in time will tell" See? That's clever. It combines "Stitch in time" with "time will tell" and makes a WHOLE NEW nonsensical puzzle.

I have some others to suggest:

"Here I Come Down Your Throat"
"Oh Shit On My Chest"
"Wouldn't It Be Nice Ass"
"Throw Up Yours"

...and a "Before and After and Before"

"Boston Tea Bagging Party"

Wed, Jan. 26th, 2005, 02:43 pm
God's design for humanity

... is completely illogical. Wilford Brimley is still walking the earth. Out lasting Dick Clark. How is that possible?

Tue, Jan. 25th, 2005, 01:18 pm

Apple released iWork yesterday - a combination of Keynote, their PowerPoint competitor, and Pages, a completely new word processor. Points to Apple for taking this on. As word processors go, it's sleek, useful, and removed all the bloat the MS Word has in it.

Mon, Jan. 24th, 2005, 10:10 am
NUMB3RS and the mainstream adoption of geekinees.

When the movie "Seven" came, it was original. The logo was "SE7EN." And sometime shortly thereafter, we all started using numbers in our passwords as letters to make them a little bit more secure. 1's for I's and L's, 3s for E's and B's, etc. (I'm completely sure that hackers haven't clued in on this and modified their password attack scripts accordingly, so keep on using that trick. It's a good one!)

Anyway, CBS has made a show about it. And might I add, a stupid one. Will the masses latch on to it? Of course they will. But I watched the pilot last night, where math genius boy found out where a serial rapist lives by applying mathematics to the problem. Realistic? Sure. The basis for an entire TV show? No. Especially since it has actors in it who all graduated from the WB or the OC or something like that.

Why doesn't CBS just add CSI:LA like they're dying too and change the name of the network to CSI? You know they want to.

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